The Manatee Incident
by Erebus Kioku
Summary: Homura, angry at Sayaka's constant sniping, steals her Soul Gem and hides it in the local aquariums manatee display. Kyoko and Mami have to convince Sayaka's parents that their daughter is not, in fact, a corpse, by means of magical puppetry and non-magical ventriloquism, all while Madoka tries to persuade Homura to tell them where the missing Soul Gem is. It does not go smoothly.


A (very, very belated) birthday fic for yatsuhashicookie over on Tumblr. Or at least, this first chapter is. It ended up being three chapters long though, my inspiration ran away with me. This is the prequel to No Homu and 50 Shades of Pink, which I threatened to write back when I first published No Homu last year. Hope everyone enjoys it.

* * *

Akemi Homura sat in her apartment, glaring menacingly at thin air. Damn that Miki Sayaka, constantly causing her problems and helicopter parenting her beloved Madoka. When she was around Homura could scarcely get within 20 feet of Madoka's cute little pigtails, especially since everyone's memories had returned last month. And what a mess that was.

Mami had come to her defence sure and Kyoko wasn't exactly calling for her head either, but neither of them were happy with the idea that she could wipe their memories. Nagisa had been torn between her Law of the Cycles duties and Mami and as a result had stayed out of it as much as she could, but as for her partner…the blue haired wench had taken every opportunity she had to make snide comments at her, not to mention the fact that she'd stopped her from talking to Madoka whenever possible. The darling, perfect angel that called herself Madoka had arranged a meeting between everyone to try and solve the problems last week, but Miki Sayaka had ruined things as usual with her inane comments and smug face. Frankly the nasty things she kept saying were hurting Homura's feelings, not that she'd ever admit to that out loud.

"Damn you Miki Sayaka…" she growled threateningly. She spent the next hour imagining herself cutting the wretch down with scathing comebacks and out debating her in front of an admiring Madoka.

' _Wait, is that the time? I should probably finish my homework. What a pain._ '

She pulled out the work from her bag and gave it a look over. Biology, a subject which she was decent enough at least. Halfway down the page was a question about the feeding habits of manatees, which she looked at with a smirk.

"Haha…that fool Miki Sayaka imagined herself as a mermaid, but she takes after this ugly, mud feeding creature far more," she sniggered. A bolt of inspiration struck her as she looked at the picture.

"Yes…yes, that's a perfect idea! That'll teach the drooling mouth breather not to treat me so nastily!" she smirked. "It might raise the others suspicions, but they'll never be able to prove anything! And my darling Madoka would never suspect me of all people! It's the perfect way to get revenge! Hahaha…hahahahaha…MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Her menacing laugh was cut off by one of her neighbours banging on the wall, yelling "Shut the hell up you lunatic!" She scowled and got on with her homework. No one appreciated her.

* * *

Kyoko rolled over and smacked the alarm clock into submission, then rolled onto her back, flopped her arm over her eyes and groaned. She still wasn't used to getting up early, or living on a schedule for that matter. Still, it was a decent enough trade-off for shelter and an education she supposed.

"Hey Sayaka, wake up. You're supposed to turn the alarm clock off, not me." This had been the agreement since Kyoko broke the last one. No response.

"Hey, Sayaka!"

Still nothing. Kyoko moved her arm from over her eyes and turned her head to look at her roommate. Said roommate was lying stock still in bed. Actually, the more Kyoko looked at her the stiller she seemed to be. And as another half minute ticked by, the more it sounded like she wasn't even breathing…

The last vestiges of sleep were blown away by her sudden alarm. She jumped out of bed and headed over to the other girl cautiously, slowly reaching forward and poking her cheek. Her remarkably cold cheek.

' _Oh shit._ '

There was no doubt about it. Sayaka was dead again.

"For crying out loud…"

How many times was this now? It wasn't like she had clear memories of every timeline or anything, but she was sure it was in the double digits. Seeing that Sayaka's Soul Gem was gone, she scanned the immediate area for any magical signals, sighing when she found nothing. ' _Goddammit Akemi._ ' What other explanation was there really? Soul Gems didn't run off by themselves, and the moody looks Akemi had been shooting Sayaka with the past week were proof enough. Besides, who else would it be? ' _This is going to be fun._ ' God knows how long the melodramatic emo was planning on dragging this out for. With any luck Madoka would be able to make her cut it out, but Kyoko would have to deal with the small issue of the Miki child's dead body until then.

' _What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't leave her here, her parents will find her and be traumatised. Besides, she'll be taken away and autopsied and cremated, how could her miraculous recovery from a jar of ashes be explained? Hell, I don't know if her body could even regenerate from that…_ '

She deliberated with herself for a few minutes, then sighed and dragged her hand down her face as she came to a conclusion. _'I have to get her out of here without anyone seeing us and stash her somewhere safe until this is sorted out._ ' It was risky, but she didn't have a choice. There was no way she'd be able to get out of the building without being seen, which meant…

"I swear to God Akemi, I'll shove your Soul Gem up your ass the next time I see you," she muttered, opening the window as wide as it'd go. Transforming into her magical girl outfit, she picked Sayaka up and went to jump down to the alley below, unfortunately the two of them couldn't fit through the window together. Kyoko hesitated for a moment, weighing up her options, then had a brainwave. She transformed her spear into its chain-whip form and, with some effort, wrapped it around Sayaka's torso and lifted her up. After accidentally bashing Sayaka against the window frame a few times, Kyoko finally got her through and started lowering her towards the floor jerkily, unfortunately when Sayaka was half way down a sharp knock on the bedroom door broke Kyoko's concentration and she instinctively shot the chain whip forward at a rapid speed, slamming Sayaka's body to the floor with a heavy thud.

Kyoko blinked. "Whoops."

The knock came again. "Sayaka, Kyoko, you're running late. Hurry up!"

"Er…sure, be right out!" Kyoko called back in a strained voice. She looked down at Sayaka's crumpled body guiltily and detransformed, getting dressed and heading over to the kitchen.

"Mornin'," she said. "Sayaka said she was going to meet Madoka today so she got up early and left. She said to say sorry she forgot to tell you yesterday."

The Miki's looked surprised. "Goodness, she's never gotten up this early before. I wonder what's gotten into her?" her mother said.

"Who knows," Kyoko shrugged. She grabbed a few apples and shoved them in her bag. "Anyway, I'm running late. See you later."

She rushed down to the alley; to her relief no one had come across Sayaka's body. She hooked her arm around Sayaka's middle and dragged her upright, wincing at the way her head flopped loosely on her neck. Kyoko pushed her head forward, then dropped her against the wall so anyone passing by would think she was just resting, hopefully. She headed out and looked around the street.

"No good…"

There was a few people around, there was no way she could get by without being seen. Hell, it wasn't like she was sure where to go anyway. It'd probably only be safe to move her at night…unless she dragged Sayaka around like she was drunk maybe? No, that could cause a lot of problems in the long run, which would be pretty funny as far as Kyoko was concerned but Sayaka surely wouldn't think so and Kyoko would never hear the end of it. Sayaka had no sense of humour at all.

"Guess there's only one thing for it then. Sorry Sayaka."

She lifted the lid off of a dumpster, took a few bags out and dumped Sayaka's body inside. Covering the body up with the bags, she shut the lid and walked away whistling nonchalantly.

* * *

"So that's what happened," she mumbled through the cake in her mouth, waving her fork in front of Mami's horrified face. "You got any idea where I can dump her body until this is sorted out?"

After flapping her mouth open and shut a few times, the blonde composed herself enough to speak. "I…I don't know what to say. You threw Miki-san's body into a dumpster? Are you even sure it's safe there?"

"Don't worry, it's not due to be emptied for a few days," Kyoko said, waving her off.

"That's…something at least," Mami replied, still looking vaguely horrified. "I…suppose we could move her to my apartment until we decide on a course of action. I'll phone Madoka-san and tell her to meet us there. Maybe she'll have some idea of where Akemi-san could be."

"Great. Let's head over there as soon as it gets dark," Kyoko replied, ramming more cake into her mouth.

"Please don't talk with your mouth full."

An hour later Mami stood on her tip toes and peered into the dumpster, covering her nose and mouth with a handkerchief as she did so.

"You certainly did a good job of covering her," she grimaced. "Now if you'd be so kind as to pull her out…"

"Eh, you don't wanna do it? You positive? Might be fun for you to get your hands dirty for once," Kyoko leered.

"No, I'll leave it in your capable hands, thank you," Mami replied.

Kyoko thought about pushing the blonde some more, but the wuss actually looked kind of ill and the last thing she needed was to lose her only helper.

"Fine, I'll handle it you big wimp," she said, throwing some bags out, grabbing one of Sayaka's legs and heaving back. After a few pulls she lost her patience and gave a magically enhanced heave, which turned out to be a mistake. Sayaka's corpse flew out of the garbage over her head, sending Kyoko staggering backwards, still clinging to the leg. Not wanting to go flying with Sayaka but too startled to think of letting go, she spun around, sending the body rocketing through the air around her until Sayaka's flight was abruptly halted by a helpful wall, which she ploughed into head first.

"Whoops," Kyoko said, for the second time that day. Mami stood stock still, wide eyed and with both hands clasped over her mouth.

"So are you going to help me move her or what? …Oh don't look so freaked out, you know she'll be fine as soon as she gets her Soul Gem back."

"…That's not entirely the point…" Mami murmured, hands still over her mouth. Composing herself as best as she could, she sighed and got on with the task at hand.

A short but unpleasant time later, Sayaka was safely dumped in the corner of Mami's apartment, while the living magical girls sat around the table in the centre of the room. Mami held a cup of tea in her hands, the familiar feeling soothing her frayed nerves. She took a sip, then took a deep breath and turned to Madoka. "So you have no idea at all where she is?"

"Sorry Mami-san, I haven't seen her all day. She isn't answering her phone either…I wish I could be more help."

"It's not your fault Madoka-san, you're not her keeper after all," she sighed, rubbing at her face tiredly. The amount of worry that she'd experienced this last month would be enough to drive her into an early grave if she wasn't a magical girl.

"I wish I was her keeper," Madoka muttered sullenly under her breath.

"Hey guys, I'm Miki Sayaka! I'm dead for the 700th time, but I don't smell much worse as a corpse than I do normally!" Sayaka's voice squawked from the corner.

"What the- oh stop it Kyoko," Mami snapped, eyeballs assaulted by the sight of Kyoko waving Sayaka's arms around.

Madoka looked impressed, despite her disapproval of the mistreatment of a corpse. "Wow Kyoko-chan, you sound just like Sayaka-chan! I didn't know you could do that!"

Kyoko stuck her head around Sayaka's body and leered at them, before hamming it up even more.

"Kyoko's got loads of talents, not like me! I hardly know how to make instant ramen and I'm tone deaf as well! Oh, and my test scores suck too."

'Sayaka' then started punching herself in the face.

"Kyoko, I'm warning you. Cut that out this instant," Mami said.

"Oh my god Sayaka, stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself you crazy girl! Being a bad singer isn't worth beating yourself up over!" Kyoko cried in faux anguish.

"Right, that's enough," Mami said. Her ribbons wrapped around Kyoko before she had a chance to react and dragged her back over to the table, while simultaneously grabbing Sayaka and putting her neatly back into a sitting position.

Kyoko had initially struggled in protest, but as she watched Mami manipulate Sayaka's body she went still and a thoughtful look appeared on her face.

"Say Mami…we have no idea how long it's going to take to get Sayaka back to normal right? And she can't just go missing without causing lots of trouble, right? And we can't just leave her here by herself, right?"

"What are you suggest-…oh no. No. Don't even think about saying it. There isn't the slightest chance I'd go along with something that ridiculous."

* * *

"I cannot believe you talked me into this…"

"Hey, it's working isn't it? Just think of it as a chance to practice your magic or something."

The pair were sitting on the bus heading towards Sayaka's house, Sayaka's body squashed between them in case she suddenly flopped over. So far though, their plan was working. While Mami controlled Sayaka's body with her ribbons, which she had made invisible, Kyoko supplied Sayaka with a voice. The bus driver had seemed convinced, but neither of them were really sure whether her parents would be fooled. Kyoko had had the bright idea of injecting Sayaka's face with botox to stop her from looking quite so slack jawed (she'd gone out and come back with some after less than an hour, Mami hadn't asked for details), and Mami had had the bright idea of tying up Kyubey and stuffing him in her bag, so that they could take advantage of the psychic connection between them that he provided. It'd been easy enough to lure him close enough to grab with Madoka's help.

They dismounted the bus and walked the short distance to the apartment complex, using the time to practice making Sayaka move more convincingly. Mami tried making Sayaka open the door, and failed, so Kyoko opened it and they walked in. "We're back," Kyoko said, then she repeated the greeting in Sayaka's voice. Mami couldn't help but be impressed by how convincing she was.

"Welcome back," Sayaka's mother said, coming into the hall to greet them. "Oh, and hello Mami-chan. Did you all have a good day at school?"

"So so," Kyoko said.

"I failed a test," 'Sayaka' said cheerfully. Mami kicked Kyoko's leg.

"Really? That's no good. You'll have to do extra studying this month, an extra half hour a day ought to do it," the aoinette corpses mother said, frowning. "Did you do alright Kyoko-chan? I didn't even know you had a test."

"It was a surprise. I aced it, it was great," Kyoko said with an obnoxious grin. Mami sighed.

"Well that's good. Maybe you could give Sayaka some pointers."

"Sure, I'm always up for helping the less fortunate."

"Thanks Kyoko, you're a great friend," 'Sayaka' said. "By the way, can Mami stay over? She's offered to help me study and I need all the help I can get."

"I don't see why not. Make yourself at home," she said, smiling towards the blonde. Mami forced herself to smile back. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Homura blew her nose loudly, again, and threw the tissue into the now almost full bin. "Oh Nemo, you're so lucky to have a father like that," she sobbed. She'd seen a display with clownfish in it while she was sneaking Sayaka's Soul Gem into the manatee enclosure and it'd inspired her to take a sick day so she could watch her favourite movie again, twice so far. This was the 55th time she'd watched it, but it never failed to pull on the heartstrings.

Her sobs were interrupted by a series of loud knocks on her front door. Pausing the movie, she blew her nose again and cursed. "Who dares interrupt me?" she sniffed. The knocks came again, and she glared through the wall at whoever it was. ' _How dare they hit my door like that? What did it ever do to them?_ ' She hoped it wasn't Mami or Kyoko already, that'd be a nuisance.

Tossing the 73rd tissue into the bin, she made her way to the door and flung it open. "What-oh, it's you Madoka! Please come in!" she squealed, menacing tone instantly dropped.

Madoka walked in without acknowledging her, not taking her shoes off. Homura almost said something, but who was she to question anything Madoka did? She kept her mouth shut. Madoka looked around, looking for errant Soul Gems or other suspicious signs. Her gaze fell onto the bin, then the paused movie, and she raised her eyebrows.

"…Did you skip school to cry over a movie about a lost fish?" she questioned.

"NO!" Homura said defensively. "I…have a cold."

Madoka stared at her evenly. "Magical girls don't get colds though," she pointed out sweetly.

"…It's a magic cold," Homura said feebly. She sniffed again.

Madoka clicked her tongue and shook her head in disappointment.

"Honestly Homura-chan, I don't really care if you want to skip school but I won't let you get away with lying to me. Don't you remember? I told you that you had to be honest with me from now on, didn't I?"

"…S-Sorry Madoka…" Homura said, looking away guiltily.

Madoka sighed. "Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter. More importantly…did you steal Sayaka's Soul Gem?"

 _'H-How blunt…I can't believe she suspects me so easily. Tomoe must have put the idea into her head, surely!_ '

"Ahem, like you surmised I've been at home all day, so I have no idea what you're talking about. At any rate, if something's happened to Miki Sayaka then it's not really surprising; she's so annoying that I'm sure there's dozens, if not hundreds of people out to get her. It's probably Sakura Kyoko pulling one of her over the top pranks or some such," she said, flicking her hand dismissively.

Madoka put her hand on her hip. "Really? You think so?"

"Yes, that's clearly the most logical explanation."

Madoka stared at her for slightly longer than was strictly comfortable…then smiled. "Okay Homura-chan, I'll go look into that. Enjoy your movie!" With that, she walked past Homura and left, waving goodbye.

Homura collapsed on the sofa and flung her arm over her eyes dramatically. ' _She suspected me so quickly… oh Madoka, will you ever believe in me again!?_ ' she monologued internally. She shook her head and sniffed. ' _No matter, no one will ever be able to prove anything. Not even when stupid Miki wakes up._ '

Somewhat reassured, she brought her knees up to her chest and unpaused the movie. Within two minutes she was crying again.


End file.
